how do i say

i wonder at times how to say to him how i feel.

i'm a word person. i can roll them around in mouth, say them with feeling, write them daintily across a page. but when it comes to proving them, explaing them, meaning them: i'm at a loss.

i dont mean i don't mean them. i do when i say it. but i'm not the one to know what i'll do from one day to the next. or know how i'll feel. i've always know that for most part never say never, and say what you when you can. you don't know when the world will flip over or you stop meaning what you meant. so it's hard for me to not only believe what I say but believe what others say. and when i believe wht i say how to show i mean it. and to know when others mean their words. maybe it 's just better to say nothing at all.

but things i say nothing about: like how i awake up most mornings just before dawn and see it flourish on the horizon outside my window. how the most at peace i feel when i'm sleeping next to my boyfriend and i wake up and he's holding me in such a tender way i can't breathe. how i deconstruct mt face twenty times a day in order to love it and understand it and know it.

i feel like i should share them. but when i open my mouth it all seems so silly and insignificant. but when i write it doesn't matter. and wheni write i am able to rid myself of emotions i didn't even know i had.

we spend most of our waking nights together

you have become the object

granite and trapped under my gaze

your blood flows freely

yet it is me who cries

night is quick here

eternal with stars and blue lights

morning comes too soon

simply: now that i am a part of someting so special....i can't express in words out loud. it's confined to the page. it's confined to my touch and my smile and the way my eys close when i'm with you. i don't want to ruin these private moments with others..no matter who they are.

Lazy Sunday

I remember Sundays when I was young: waking up late, eating cereal while watching a movie, just lying around warm and unshowered (remember not showering for a while when you were younger?)

but nowadays I get bored so easily. If I was back in the city (and I made the effort to get up early) I'd probably go to a museum or a early movie and make dinner. Here : wake up late, go to a greasy but filling Kelly brunch and the day goes by slowly yet I look up and the day is over.



there's still time to install new rountines for a new years routine right? So I heard some where that it tales 15 days to form a habit.

ok habit 1: procastinate less. very hard. And I am a queen procastinator but I can do it right?

2. Write everyday. I write a lot more than I used to...But not enough.

3. Study something once a day. At least 1 subject cause the grades aren't looking too good if I don't buckle down.